Firsts

At some point last year, I went to my GP to discuss getting some therapy. I think it’s still very misunderstood particularly in the Asian community and I knew I wasn’t suffering from depression or anything as serious but I was going through a tough time emotionally and I thought it would do me some good to maybe speak to a therapist and just discuss some techniques for dealing with what was happening.

My GP said something I thought was interesting – she said that dealing with any kind of break up was exactly like going through the grieving process. Now I understand that no one died – but a relationship I had depended on for the last decade had come to an end so in some way I was grieving a loss of that. She said certain times are the hardest, mainly anniversaries. Your first birthday without them, special events, that kind of thing. Anyone who has lost someone close to them will understand that.

She was right – the first of everything has been really tough.

What would have been our tenth anniversary – I booked the day off work and spent it wallowing in my duvet eating ice cream and feeling sorry for myself.

My first birthday was amazing, surrounded by people I loved who were being supportive but I spent six hours on a coach trip crying my eyes out. What should have been our fifth wedding anniversary I spent again with friends but just feeling really low – it’s one of those things that you just feel even though you try and cover it up. First Christmas wasn’t too bad actually but very lonely. First new year – some relief actually, that it was finally 2018 and everything was could be in the past.

His first birthday without me – bit of a weird one but we were together for a long time so we have a lot of mutual friends who are going. I’m not – doesn’t feel right – but I do have serious fomo.

There’s lots of small firsts too – the first time I had to be the one to drive on the motorway because he always drove. The first time I had to think about who was going to go to the cinema with me because I was used to having a constant plus one.

The first time I’m reminded of a private joke we had and have no one to share it with. The first time I had to watch Game of Thrones by myself even though we had watched the other six seasons together. The first time I went to a restaurant where the last time I was there was with him. The first time something bad happened and I had no one to call.

So, to try and help myself, I’ve booked myself on to a health retreat next week (so to all of you eagerly waiting for the next post, there will be a delay!) – my first solo holiday and one I’m really looking forward to actually. Some time to focus on my mind and my body and just work out what I want. Plus, it happens right before my last first. My first single Valentine’s Day.

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